You Have Breast Cancer: Whom Do You Tell and How?

My surgeon said, "I'm sorry to tell you that the biopsy was positive for cancer." Up to this time I had had little experience dealing with cancer or interacting with people who had cancer. Because I tend to be open about things, the important people in my life were kept informed about the situation right from the suspicious-looking mammogram, to the biopsy, through the mastectomy and chemotherapy. Surrounded by loving caring people, I still found it difficult at times to speak about my breast cancer. 

It is hard for many people to talk about problems and feelings. When the topic is emotionally charged, it can be even more difficult. Having loving caring people around and being a loving caring person is vital to your health. Studies have shown that women with breast cancer who have supportive friends and family, a good social supports system and meaningful work survive longer than those who don't. 

My cancer diagnosis in 1990 set my support system in motion. I asked myself, "Do people care? Are they willing and able to listen to me? How much of this experience do I want to share with others? I know I need help with this thing - how do I know whom I can trust to give me the help I need?"

Healthy communication, a complex combination of environment, skills, emotions and attitudes, is necessary for building social support networks. For example, I find it easier to be a supportive helper when the other person is clear about what they need and want from me. 

A colleague from work, who was diagnosed a year after me, phoned and said, "Cathy, I'm having a breast lump biopsy next week. I know you've been through this and I would really like your help." 

After the biopsy and the bad news we talked again. She asked: "Could we get together soon? I have lots of information and need to make some decisions. I would like to discuss with you my options for treatment and get your input." 

Having been through this myself, I believe I was able to help her to see the situation more clearly at a time of worry and uncertainty. We have become close friends.

Cancer is a lonely experience. Everyone wants to avoid situations that cause fear and suffering. Avoiding these feelings can make the situations worse. Some people may find it difficult to talk with you or to be around you, others truly want to help and are waiting for you to express your feeling, needs and wants. You have a right to have needs and to ask other to respond to those needs. Others have a right to respond to your requests in their own way. If one person can't help, look for others who can and will. 

People who care about you also need time to adjust. In our culture a "good" person is defined as one who meets other people's needs before her or his own. It can be difficult to accept that you must look after yourself first, while you are dealing with cancer. Caregivers must also balance their own needs against your needs. Relationships, complex under ordinary circumstances, now become more complex.

Many people find that it's better in the long run to confide their fears and hopes rather than to try to hide them or suffer in silence. Ask yourself these questions. "What really matters here? What do you want and need in this situation? Who will likely be most supportive?"

Counseling and therapy can be helpful in finding answers to important issues and questions. Support groups are helpful because those in the group have had similar experiences and are dealing with similar issues. Here you can share ideas and techniques for coping with the seemingly endless situation that arise. Feelings for fear, anger and sadness are not strangers to people living with cancer.